Oh, Life. Right when I am thinking that things will go a certain way, according to a certain plan, everything changes. Perceived challenges and obstacles come, triggering a variety of emotions. I ride the wave; observing them; not reacting. Seeing what is truly there; what needs to be done; how to move forward.
It’s beautiful. It’s amazing. To have that feeling of spaciousness, devoid of anxiety and pressure to act. And I realize that this comes only when you have absolute Faith in the Universe. Faith that things will go exactly as they need to go in order for you to keep evolving as you need to in order to fulfill yourself. It’s easy to believe blindly and to delude ourselves into thinking that we do have this faith. But when it is truly felt – physically – and experienced, you transcend. You soar.
After some weeks spent meditating, sketching, painting, reading, and writing in our isolated home, cabin fever came. It’s interesting how it manifests itself. Lethargy. Uneasiness. Delusional thinking. Something was off and we felt we needed to do something about it.
We longed for social interaction and looked for events happening nearby, but we immediately we encountered a barrier. We live in a community of retired, elderly people with the occasional family that comes to their cottage here from Seattle when they have some time. There aren’t many things happening because people come here to rest from all the things happening.
The feeling went on for a week or so, intensifying and building up to a point where we realized we need to get out of here and move on. So that is what we are doing. Leaving Washington; heading towards Sturgeon Falls, Ontario, Canada. Yeeeehooo, a new adventure.
Throughout this time, I went through a lot of emotional turmoil. It all started with my parents offering to pay for me to take an online course that would contribute to the pursuit of my undergraduate degree. For days, I was assailed with flashbacks of the traumas I lived last time I studied in university. I relived the anxiety, the soul-crushing depression that drove me insane, making me feel like I was suffocating. Like I was a bird trapped in a cage. I struggled to detach myself from those past feelings, knowing that it would be absolutely different this time. Slowly, I succeeded in dissociating myself from those flashbacks. I called my amazing mother, who reassured me that I am not the same person anymore, living in those conditions that I was living under back then. She reminded me of my power, rooted in the true self that I’ve found over the past two years. Talking to her pushed me over the edge, liberating me from my past.
I am now enrolled in an online environmental studies class on community development. Reading through the course description and units makes me excited. I thought “wow, this is Bee”. I am looking forward to giving my full attention to this course, delving deep into the learning and evolution that will come from it.
Going back to Sturgeon Falls means that I can start teaching again. When I was there last, I taught a free weekly yoga class, which taught me so much. I learned about what it means to start a yoga practice, what it means to be a good teacher, how to support the students through their learning process. I learned about what it feels to share vibrations and to elevate each other through that. I also taught a yoga/wellness/art class to high school students, which I am looking forward to picking up again. It brings me so much joy to share my experiences and wisdom, and to facilitate learning processes within fellow humans, thus facilitating my own learning.
My meditation practice has deepened throughout this time. I have experienced wisdom and insight through my practice, and I am amazed at the difference in my character. Again, the spaciousness. It’s unbelievable how developing mindfulness and constant awareness allows you to notice your immediate responses to situations even before responding. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes it’s hard. But I keep doing my best. In one of his lectures, Swami Rama says: “Discipline means not allowing yourself to be dissipated.” That got me thinking a whole lot about how I dissipate my mental energy. Whether it’s through engaging in negative thoughts, debating whether I should practice yoga before reading or not, and overeating/undereating. For a lot of people, this mental energy is dissipated through television or Netflix, social media, intoxicants, superficial interactions, etc.
To keep following this line of thought, for many of us the new year is a time of transformation and motivation to change. To facilitate change consciously and intentionally we so often need discipline. Therefore, I am wondering if you would like to share your reflections about discipline; your struggles, your victories, your progress and ideas for the new year. I love hearing about you, and knowing how you’re doing. Sharing is important to me.
Before I leave you, I want to share a realization that has come to mind, randomly:
Magic DOES exist. For me, it comes most often when I am standing in the forest, witnessing the trees and the plants breathing. The birds flying around, singing. The inconspicuous mushrooms and the smell of decaying leaves. The sunlight streaming through the trees. Magic is there when I am waiting for Michael to come to pick me up at the gym. I am simply standing outside, witnessing. The people and their conversations; coming and going. The clouds and the sun, rising and passing. Life, unfolding around me while I am totally absorbed within it, consciously, intentionally. Magic is there when I notice the power of my thoughts, creating my reality. Setting intentions and watching it unfold, coming to fruition. Magic is there when I look into my Beloved’s eyes, feeling the ancient and profound love that we share, and the power that emanates from it. Seeing and feeling the potential for divine communion. Absolute communion. Magic.
May all of you experience real harmony, real happiness.
Love and light,