So much has happened since I last spoke. I spent two weeks visiting my brother and sister; I started conducting workshops for my community development course; I started teaching art classes to elementary school kids; I kept up teaching yoga, practicing yoga, swimming, painting, reading and writing.
All the while chaos was unfolding around me. I was caught in a riff between two people that I love immensely. Both sides were wrong. Both sides were right. I learned about the damages of near-sightedness, of being unyielding, and of miscommunication in cross-cultural relationships. When I sympathized with one, I insulted the other. I oscillated between the two, not quite knowing where to stand, feeling increasingly confused and hurt by the circumstances. Eventually, my partner left to go back to the United-States.
I still don’t know how I feel about the whole situation. At first, I was angry at them both; profoundly confused. Some days I want to lay in bed and cry because I love him and miss him. Other days I feel excited about moving on without him. Sometimes I’m frustrated because I can’t make up my mind. I’ve come to accept the process of not knowing; of questioning. My favourite poet, Rainer Maria Rilke said in his letters:
“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
This resonates with me so profoundly. It evokes deep feelings of gratitude within. Everything is exactly how it should be. Not knowing is perfectly acceptable – sometimes my perfectionist self tries to get in the way and control things… I see it clearly now when I write to you.
Meanwhile, I’ve been talking back and forth with my friend Brett, who owns the farm I will be managing with (and sometimes for) him this summer. Seeding calculations, production plans, garden plans, greenhouse schedules, convincing people to buy what we call CSA shares (which consist of weekly vegetable baskets – hey if you’re in Ottawa and you’re interested go to https://www.cadencefarm.ca/), amongst very many exciting farm preparation things. Most of our help with labour will come from youth groups that want to learn about growing food sustainably. I am thrilled to not only be a farmer, but also an educator.
I’m also painting a lot more. I am refining my skills, and I find myself less and less frustrated by the process and more and more in a state of flow. Which brings to mind a poem I wrote last summer.
it’s flow, obviously
stand up straight
there’s no time to wait
from the past
these things always pass
yet we quiver at the thought of separating from the mass
we shiver in anticipation knowing how fast
yet simultaneously slow transformation has
deceivingly betrayed us
intuitively guided us
Now, this makes me think of something Eckhart Tolle said in one of his talks. He was talking about how we’re always waiting. Waiting for lunchtime to come around, waiting for spring to come, waiting for someone to speak first, waiting to quit our jobs and start the next exciting thing. Waiting. Waiting. He says when we start cultivating awareness. I want to emphasize that. When we start cultivating awareness, we start being present. We start being here, Now. With whatever we are doing. We stop waiting.
And yes, blah blah blah, you could start contesting that with thinking “well what about decisions that I need to make? and choosing a ‘career path’? and planning a vacation?” Those are all legitimate concerns, truly. And maybe your life requires you to think in that way. But that might also be the reason that the human race is stressed out, anxious and unfulfilled. Which brings me to something touched upon by Osho. He talks about spontaneity and recognizing the flow within. If a decision doesn’t come to us spontaneously, from that unknown place within ourselves, then we are trying to control. We are lying to ourselves and fooling ourselves, in a very subtle, but profound way. Because then we are pretending that we know better than the flow does.
I have certainly been catching myself trying to control things and people and circumstances. Know that I am only sharing my thought processes and understanding of things with the purest intentions. I just want to learn through sharing, and I encourage you to do the same. I am always open to receiving your thoughts and ideas. I most likely will answer, though sometimes I feel like it’s unnecessary for reasons that depend on the immediate circumstances.
I love you.