it’s Flow, obviously

Hello darlings,

So much has happened since I last spoke. I spent two weeks visiting my brother and sister; I started conducting workshops for my community development course; I started teaching art classes to elementary school kids; I kept up teaching yoga, practicing yoga, swimming, painting, reading and writing.

 All the while chaos was unfolding around me. I was caught in a riff between two people that I love immensely. Both sides were wrong. Both sides were right. I learned about the damages of near-sightedness, of being unyielding, and of miscommunication in cross-cultural relationships. When I sympathized with one, I insulted the other. I oscillated between the two, not quite knowing where to stand, feeling increasingly confused and hurt by the circumstances. Eventually, my partner left to go back to the United-States.

I still don’t know how I feel about the whole situation. At first, I was angry at them both; profoundly confused. Some days I want to lay in bed and cry because I love him and miss him. Other days I feel excited about moving on without him. Sometimes I’m frustrated because I can’t make up my mind. I’ve come to accept the process of not knowing; of questioning. My favourite poet, Rainer Maria Rilke said in his letters:

“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

This resonates with me so profoundly. It evokes deep feelings of gratitude within. Everything is exactly how it should be. Not knowing is perfectly acceptable – sometimes my perfectionist self tries to get in the way and control things… I see it clearly now when I write to you.

Meanwhile, I’ve been talking back and forth with my friend Brett, who owns the farm I will be managing with (and sometimes for) him this summer. Seeding calculations, production plans, garden plans, greenhouse schedules, convincing people to buy what we call CSA shares (which consist of weekly vegetable baskets – hey if you’re in Ottawa and you’re interested go to https://www.cadencefarm.ca/), amongst very many exciting farm preparation things. Most of our help with labour will come from youth groups that want to learn about growing food sustainably. I am thrilled to not only be a farmer, but also an educator.

I’m also painting a lot more. I am refining my skills, and I find myself less and less frustrated by the process and more and more in a state of flow. Which brings to mind a poem I wrote last summer.


it’s flow, obviously

tesselate

move

stand up straight

groove

there’s no time to wait

soothe


the wounds

from the past

these things always pass

yet we quiver at the thought of separating from the mass

we shiver in anticipation knowing how fast

yet simultaneously slow transformation has


changed us

deceivingly betrayed us

intuitively guided us

to flow

flow

flow.


Now, this makes me think of something Eckhart Tolle said in one of his talks. He was talking about how we’re always waiting. Waiting for lunchtime to come around, waiting for spring to come, waiting for someone to speak first, waiting to quit our jobs and start the next exciting thing. Waiting. Waiting. He says when we start cultivating awareness. I want to emphasize that. When we start cultivating awareness, we start being present. We start being here, Now. With whatever we are doing. We stop waiting.

And yes, blah blah blah, you could start contesting that with thinking “well what about decisions that I need to make? and choosing a ‘career path’? and planning a vacation?” Those are all legitimate concerns, truly. And maybe your life requires you to think in that way. But that might also be the reason that the human race is stressed out, anxious and unfulfilled. Which brings me to something touched upon by Osho. He talks about spontaneity and recognizing the flow within. If a decision doesn’t come to us spontaneously, from that unknown place within ourselves, then we are trying to control. We are lying to ourselves and fooling ourselves, in a very subtle, but profound way. Because then we are pretending that we know better than the flow does.

I have certainly been catching myself trying to control things and people and circumstances. Know that I am only sharing my thought processes and understanding of things with the purest intentions. I just want to learn through sharing, and I encourage you to do the same. I am always open to receiving your thoughts and ideas. I most likely will answer, though sometimes I feel like it’s unnecessary for reasons that depend on the immediate circumstances.

I love you.

Namaste,

Bee

‘lady blue’ my most recent painting… go to my Etsy store for more

raw

I just wrote this poem.

 

 

why do I long for that look in your eyes?
to feel you
to hear you sing the way you do?

why is it so hard sometimes?
to leave you
when I know I need to

simultaneously

why do I revel at the clear blue skies?
for infinite possibilities
daisies and commonalities

seriously

I am a complex array of intertwined emotions unravelling and blossoming and contradicting within a slowly expiring blaze of vibrations.

wake yourself

it is waking that understands sleep and not sleep that understands waking

C.S. Lewis

I was taken aback when I read this in C.S. Lewis’ book, Perelandra, the other night. I re-read the sentence, again and again for a few minutes and thought about it.

Really, it is true that when we are in a state of dreaming or sleeping or even ignorance, we have no idea. When we make mistakes, we don’t know that’s what we’re actually doing before doing it. Otherwise, we wouldn’t do it.

And so it would be foolish to look back to a time when we were ignorant and made a mistake, harbouring guilt for something we were unaware of. I do that. I want so very much to be discerning and humble and enthusiastic and generous that sometimes I forget that I am human. That I am allowed to make mistakes; it’s part of my nature.

It’s also very easy to get frustrated with someone that is being ignorant or making a mistake in our perspective. Who do we think we are – judging what someone else should be doing? We have no idea what they’re thinking and feeling and what they went through before performing that action. We can think that we do know, but really we are always only guessing. It’s not our responsibility to take inventory of what ‘good’ or ‘bad’ things people are doing.

Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s rook, when your own doorstep is unclean.

Confucius

And so here lies another lesson. Cut yourself (yes you, and me, and everyone) some slack. Be understanding and empathetic. This is what I am focusing on.

Same path, new chapter

Namaste Loves,

Last time I wrote to you I was heading towards a profound exploration of my deepest Self. But before I start talking about my 10 days of silent meditation, I realized that some of you might be missing some background information on the end of my stay in India. I would also like to welcome my newly added friends – this is my way of keeping in touch and sharing knowledge. Feel free to ask to be taken off this list, I won’t be offended I promise.

Earlier this year, in March, I finally felt ready to come back to Canada and see my family. As I passed through the customs to board my plane, the officer realized that I had overstayed my visa (which, naïve little Bee that I am, was absolutely true) and that I had to stay in Delhi to deal with the Foreign Registration Office. Thank the Universe for my dearest friend Amit and his family for helping me go through the process. That period of time, approximately one month (I re-applied for my exit permission three times!), was the most challenging part of my stay, allowing me to step up, stand tall and firm within myself and fight to make my way back home. It was during that time when I was visiting the FRRO every single day, confined to staying in the same hostel, that I met the love of my life.

We looked in each other’s eyes, and we instantly Knew. Michael is from the United-States and was leaving the following day, but we knew we would see each other again. And we did. Shortly after he left Delhi, I was granted the permission to leave. We messaged back and forth, missed each other’s calls a few times and eventually were able to do a video chat, which went on for 5 hours. From that moment on, we talked every day for hours at a time, slowly deepening our love for each other and establishing a solid foundation. For months this kept going until Michael came to work with me on the farm where I was helping to grow vegetables. Then our relationship expanded even more and we learned what it truly meant to be in a serious, committed relationship. That we don’t come together to erase ourselves or give ourselves to the other but to elevate ourselves to higher vibrational levels and amplify our strong qualities.

Michael left the farm in September, and I kept working until the end of my contract in November. This second period of time spent apart was enlightening. Initially, I realized that a lot of my strength had been founded in our being together, and the security of having someone support all of your endeavors. We were completely cut off from each other at first, and couldn’t even talk because he was out of cell phone reception. It took me a few weeks to come back to my senses and re-establish myself within my own inner-determination. I discovered self-love, uncovering deeply rooted eating disorders founded in insecurities. And while I faced those cookie monsters, my creativity exploded. I started painting and writing more poetry and spending most of my free time creating and reading instead of simply resting from my strenuous job.

I carried my re-ignited creativity with me to Washington, excited to finally have space to nurture it and let it expand. As I’ve said in my previous letters, coming back together after two months apart was challenging. We both evolved individually and strengthened our beliefs in ourselves. Realigning and establishing mutual understanding took some time. The meditation course that we took was a big part of it.

For ten days, we silently sat segregated and faced some of our deepest-rooted traumas and insecurities. Eleven hours a day were spent performing a deep surgical operation on our psyche, and it was painful. Excruciatingly so. Almost every day my uncomfortable mind was screaming at me to leave, scared to be crushed and confined. At times, I felt I was disappearing, melting away into the landscape because of lack of stimulation and mental activity. Other times I dissolved in a fury of pain and bliss, completely overpowered. I came back from those meditations, panting, out of breath and grasping to come back to my senses and to become a person again.

I relived my car accident, childhood traumas and oscillated between wanting to go back to Ontario (in Canada) or staying in Washington with Michael. A veil was lifted and I could clearly see a familiar behavioral pattern – this desire to run away from situations and people that test my integrity. I noticed that when I feel I am not established enough in my core values, and I keep failing myself, I get the urge to run away and remove myself from the situation instead of expanding within the pressure. Being with Michael for those two weeks while remaining established within my core values had been difficult because of the lack of willpower and I could see it clearly. My wanting to run away was not because I was unsatisfied or unfulfilled by our relationship, but rather because I wasn’t strong enough to communicate and enforce what I needed.

When we finally were able to see each other after the course, we shared the changes that happened within ourselves. The behavior that was challenging my integrity had dissolved within those ten days and I was finally able to communicate my needs, which were already being addressed unconsciously. It was painful and beautiful and uncomfortable but amazing. We’ve overcome many challenges that I’ve observed surfacing later on in relationships. Things that couples I’ve known for a long time are still struggling with. And we know it’ll keep coming until we reach a point of absolute, divine communion with each other. Which, in Tantra philosophy, would mean Liberation or Enlightenment.

We are powerful together. We have a strong vision of what we want to see in the world, and we are currently working on a business model to do so. I encourage you to visit https://www.patreon.com/Regrowthindustries to learn more about our project and the ways that you could contribute. Our Etsy store is also open with some of my art pieces – please check it out at https://www.etsy.com/shop/RegrowthIndustries?ref=l2-shopheader-name. Your support is greatly appreciated. Know that it causes a ripple in this world of ours, and comes back manifold.

Shortly after we got back from our meditation course, we drove to Michael’s hometown to visit his friends and family. At first, it was really overwhelming for me to meet so many new people, especially without having time to settle after coming back from ten days of digging through my deepest darkest Self. But after some time, I became more and more comfortable with his family and found myself feeling like I belonged with them. I am looking forward to spending more time with them and deepening our relationship.

The holiday season is here, and it is bittersweet. I’ve always loved having space and time to connect with family. But I’ve always hated the consumerism; the gift-giving, the overeating, and drinking. I’m somehow finding balance within it all, wondering if maybe some of you have developed any holiday survival tricks? Feel free to share, and send pictures!

I am excited to hear from you; all of you.

Love and light, always.

Bee x

two weeks

Namaste loves,

There’s something really special about living in one place for a long period of time. I’m talking decades. Watching the seasons unfurl year after year with slight variations. Seeing new types of animals coming in because of the slow-changing climates. Creating long-lasting and heartfelt connections with people around; a community. Settling into a wholesome routine that leaves space for spontaneity. There’s a deep understanding of the land that comes after being part of it for long; as if our cells rearrange themselves with particles from the environment. I have had this profound yearning inside to establish my roots and become part of Nature. I’m growing weary of wandering; I want to bloom alongside a land and its people.

Michael and I have been together for two weeks now… We are working on a business partnership and our brand’s vision, creating this ultimate reality that we are striving for. “Regrowth Industries is a co-creative movement initiated by Knighton & Vaillancourt with the purpose of regenerating the Earth and its communities by fulfilling humanity through mind, body, and spirit.” The main component of our project requires buying desolate land where we could facilitate its regeneration through successional agro-forestry. Later on would come various educational, creative and spiritual enterprises in which people could partake, thus “fulfilling humanity through mind, body, and spirit.” It’s all very exciting.

Throughout this time, I’ve learned a lot about relationships and what being wholeheartedly committed to another human being means. Not only does it require almost flawless belief in oneself, it’s also very essential to have such a complete understanding of yourself and your emotions that you can be absolutely transparent with one another. And it’s hard. Because often our egos get in the way and there’s a fear of communicating a change in mindset or worldview. Sometimes it’s insecurity or even a projection. Then we are uncomfortable because something changed and the energy has changed and we don’t know if the other also noticed. What it comes down to is this: none of that matters. None of it; because all that matters is communicating the perceived change in order to come back to a mutual understanding, and having faith in the fact that whatever happens is exactly what needs to happen. Sigh. Breathe in and out. Being social Beings can sometimes be intense. I can feel my heart chakra blooming.

I am so very grateful to be living in this small isolated cabin. I have been polishing my sketching skills, reading, meditating and writing. I am finding a deepened connection with myself, which feels like drinking water in the desert. There’s never enough time, it seems. I need to delve deeper to uncover rooted behavioral patterns and triggers. I want to; and I am so ready to face them. From the 5th of December until the 16th we will be going to Merritt in British-Colombia to do a meditation course. We will be spending the whole time in silence, learning the teachings of S.N. Goenka that has institutions across the whole world. 

And so it is. 

Keep me in the loop; I want to hear all about you, your own musings and internal conflicts. 

Love and Light,

Bee